Days like this used to cause me to eat. Chocolate, ice cream, anything sweet (as long as it had chocolate in it). And extra bites and helpings of just about everything on my plate, even if I didn’t like it. Because of my continuous undercurrent of pain, confusion, and shame, days like this used to push me to the edge of an emotional abyss, which I avoided by running to food.
So what’s going on today?
- Our gorgeous kitten has gotten big, strong, and rambunctious enough to torment our old cat, jump onto counters, climb (read: shred) upholstery and window screens, and basically act like a maniac.
- My oldest daughter is suffering from a tenacious sinus infection, so I cancelled my plans in order to get her from college and care for her.
- Annoying minutia has been coming from many sources, such as waiting for a doctor even though my daughter was the only patient in the office.
Life. That’s what’s going on today. That’s what happens on days like this.
The difference today is that I’m not eating over it. In fact, I haven’t eaten compulsively for many, many months, but on days like this, I feel that old pull of addiction. Fortunately, it’s very weak after years of neglect, so there is a gap between feeling the pull and mindlessly obeying it. Now I have time to see it for what it is – an escape route that stopped serving me decades ago. I needed an easy escape when I was a child, but escaping isn’t living, and even though days like this are hard, I would rather feel everything and live fully.
So, I’ll feel my feelings over the minutia, care for my beautiful daughter each time she wakes up, and jump up every 5 minutes to pull the kitten off of something he shouldn’t be climbing.