I don’t recall a time when I didn’t want to be a mom. A stay at home mom. Of all my dreams and wishes, this was highest on the list.
For the past 19 years, I have been living this dream come true, and nothing can make a dent in my gratitude for having the privilege of raising my 2 daughters.
That gratitude doesn’t stand alone, however. Right next to it has been a continually changing pile of complicated feelings. The unbridled joy of birthing my first daughter was only slightly greater than the abject terror of being responsible for a newborn (my husband sincerely asked one of the nurses if she would come home with us!). The constant hugs and kisses from my sweet girls didn’t satiate my craving for adult company. The unbearable lack of sleep was worth every minute of nursing my second daughter in the quiet nights, knowing she was my last child. The panic of letting my oldest drive away after she got her license was swiftly brushed away by the freedom of no longer being her chauffeur.
There has been only one constant juxtaposition in all these years, one that ebbs and flows, but has grown very strong in the past 3 years: the absolute certainty that I am still called to be a stay at home mom clashing with the anxiety that I should be doing something more productive with my life. Something more socially acceptable, that helps pay the bills, and feels more challenging. That proves to the world I am not a slacker.
These arguments have been at a feverish pitch for over a year, and have fueled several of my posts, where I have referred to feeling like I need to Do Something. I fear I’ve written too much about this and am annoying my readers (please forgive me!), yet I must process it every time it rises. This juxtaposition is my teacher – challenging me to accept and make peace with my highest choice, even as it means I must delay other good choices.
Well, after processing this once again, I feel peace with my highest choice. I know that I am still meant to be here, even though my girls have passed the age of capturing their handprints.
This post its part of The Daily Post’s Weekly Photo Challenge: Juxtaposition. For some truly delightful juxtapositions, please check out: